what is the plan?
what happens when you are in your most desparate hour of need?
you’ve been wrestling God and keep telling Him you won’t let go until He blesses you? or when you have had pretty much EVERYTHING taken away (home, family, friends, finances, etc…) and you’re just waiting for God to show up because you have been obedient and have fervently prayed and always acted when given instruction by Him? but… He seems so far away. He seems like He’s not doing anything. He seems like He’s just sitting back.. watching… testing you… waiting for you to say, “God… i know you… i do… but… where are you? are you there? have you been listening? are you not going to rescue me? are you not going to fight for me? what have i done wrong? DO YOU EXIST???”
am i supposed to give EVERYTHING up?! i love my family. i love my friends. my heart is being pulled in so many directions right now. but… if God asked you to give up your only son… would you be able to do it? because He did.
i mean… i never thought in a million years that i would have endured as much as i have in the past 7 months. how am i ALIVE??? i know that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. i know that His plan is perfect. and i know that i may never understand why i find myself in this situation.
what if God is saying… “daughter of mine… you have made decisions based on what you know. i have been testing you to see if you would remain faithful. i hear your cries and i know you have lamented. i know your heart is hurting and i see you have leaned on me this whole time. i have seen your unfailing trust to this point… but… what if i don’t deliver? would you still know i am God?”
of course.
the answer is of course i know He is God. and i guess maybe i would ask Him… “but why?” because i know that He has a plan… i know it’s perfect. but that doesn’t mean i understand it His way. and i may not until the day i die and reach heaven and get to ask Him. but that is something i can do. i can look forward to this life. if that is how long i have to wait to finally understand the purpose He had in this, i will. if anything… i know now that i have done this out of pure passion. i now know what passion really is. i would follow God unto my own death. i know that now. i know He has put these desires in my heart because they were first His. i don’t think i would have made it even halfway through what i have already if that wasn’t the case.
sometimes i wish i could have prayed more about it. or that i could have asked others to intercede more for me. maybe that is what i haven’t been obedient in. maybe that is the one thing that i missed and maybe that is why God hasn’t fully blessed me. but who is equipped to pray? this calls for prayer appointed by God.
some would say why not just walk away and try something else? God honors the decisions we make facing circumstances. you need to make a practical decision.
but… i am not practical. i am a Christian and i follow God.
what if i can’t walk away… because of the Word i have gotten that says to press on. is that the test? to see if i will just give up in the end and walk away… even if i know that through what i do people might come to know God…? even if i have seen it happen already… how could i walk away from that???
i have to make this decision on my own. i have to put everything out of my head for now and make a decision. it’s between everything and GOD. what am i going to choose?
what would you choose if you were in my place?
i need God to show me something huge because i don’t know what else to do.
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sometimes i feel like you’re speaking words right from my very own heart. you’re doing the right things.. just remain faithful, and everything you need will follow. love you, b.
i love you.