i am awake. i am alive.

“But you, O man of God, flee these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness.” -I Timothy 6:11 (NKJV)

when paul was speaking about this, he meant to flee from evil things.
specifically the love of money which is the root of a lot of evil in the world we live in.
think about how money changes people.
it changes how you perceive people.
changes your own perspective on life.
money is powerful. and the only thing right up there with it is influence.
they pretty much go hand in hand.

the things we need to pursue are all attributes of God Himself.
and can only be obtained by letting Him into our hearts so that He may guide, lead and rule our lives.
all the other things can only make us happy for so long.
take away all that stuff and what do you have left?
can you honestly say that if you didn’t have stuff you could still be happy?

in the situations i have been through as of late, i have realized that i can do without a WHOLE LOT.
and that there are things that i cherish greatly that aren’t materialistic or tangible.
i started to wish i didn’t have the stuff i have.
i gave a bunch of it away.
and i stored up the stuff i don’t even use.
i don’t even really miss it.

that is an awesome feeling that i hope to hold onto until the day i die.
God knows i needed that.

and i am about to start a study on purpose again… to re-focus.
i am going to keep it in this journal. it will last 40 days.
i can’t wait to see what God shows me this time around.

“Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. For to this end I also wrote, that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things. Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.” -II Corinthians 2:8-11 (NKJV)

to pardon is to forgive
(synonyms: absolve, accept, acquit, amnesty, clear, condone, discharge, exculpate, excuse, exonerate, free, give absolution, grant amnesty, justify, let off*, liberate, lifeboat*, overlook, release, remit, reprieve, rescue, spring*, suspend charges, tolerate, write off)

forgiveness is not easy. it requires so much more than maybe we think we can bear.
but i don’t think a lot of us realize what we are doing when we don’t forgive.
we are actually hurting ourselves.
this was recently brought up to me.
and although i knew that not forgiving someone could actually do more harm to myself than to the party involved,
i really had no idea of the extent of harm it could cause.
you can literally kill yourself slowly.
and truthfully, the person that you aren’t forgiving could be clueless or not even care about the pain that you’re enduring.

mmm hmm.

so… even though it’s a difficult thing to overcome, we must forgive people.
we have all been pardoned of the wrong things we have done, are doing and will do.
pardoned with bloodshed.
in the old days, you would have to offer a sacrifice for that kind of thing.
and a sacrifice required a lot of preparation, time, and all kinds of procedures and regulations.
the list was seemingly endless.
i couldn’t imagine!!!
i’m glad we don’t have to “go by the book” anymore.

but… we aren’t excused from the duty of sacrifice altogether.
we must dig deep within our hearts and find a way to forgive the ones that hurt us.
that in itself could very well be just as difficult if not moreso than the old way.
heh heh. yeah… now that i think about it… can’t i just offer up a goat or something?

nope.
we are called to die to ourselves.
to sacrifice.

we must forgive so that they can grow and truly live.
we must forgive so that we can grow and truly live.

i know that God has put you in my life for a reason. and this is clear now that i have mentioned what i have been through and you have replied to that with a similar circumstance.

like you, i have seen such wonderful things through this experience and circumstance. if anything i have learned so much about God and who He really is. through suffering He shows us who He is the most. because i think He wants to show us how it feels for Him. His passion is for our lives and He suffered greatly for it. i feel like abraham… but i ask where my ram in the bush is. God gave His son… so, for now i am going to sacrifice my purpose. because right now i think God wants me to learn so much more than i bargained for. and i cannot let the purpose become greater than that of my passion to follow Him. but because i know God is not a liar and truly wants to bless me, i am believing for a ram in the bush… but i just don’t know when that will happen.

i know how it feels… like everyone is saying,”how come it hasn’t happened yet if it’s God?” or even that you failed. when it’s actually the opposite. the truth is that you (we) wholeheartedly pursued the calling and purpose God gave you. and you sit there asking,”why is everyone else more blessed? why does it seem like everyone passed the test and their test wasn’t even that difficult… not even a fight… what about me?” but because of your faith… because of that trust… His blessings are going to be so much more than you even imagined. you have passed the test. God knows that you will follow Him wherever He wants to take you. no matter how treacherous the path. you will face anything. sword and shield in hand… you will lead in an army for Him.

i feel like this is more than just our passions. more than our desires… God’s desires that He put in our hearts. i feel like He is building us up for so much more. the days are numbered and we don’t have much time left. He needs individuals… called… appointed… annointed. He is making us warriors. because when that hour comes… who will be able to stand against the face of ultimate danger? who will stand up in His name? if it is you alone… then everything was worth it… for just one soul to fight for Him against all odds. just one is all He needs. He can do anything.

(name of person)… we are His chosen. and i am glad to know that you… of all people… are part of the army i fight with. that gives me so much more passion to press on.

i can’t even find the words to say to you… because thank you isn’t enough. but i can call you my brother. and i can say this… i love you.