i am awake. i am alive.

By: thelovelylo

Apr 21 2006

Category: Uncategorized

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And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. -Genesis 2:21-23 (KJV)

there has been a lot of talk about marriage lately around me.
not just this past week… just in general, for the past few months.
i think my friends and i bring up the subject
because we are all around the age of such talk.

since i have turned 25, it just seems like the thing to preoccupy my thoughts.

i have been engaged before.
and by God’s grace, it didn’t happen.
surprisingly, i have also found out that i am not alone in this.
i have found at least 5 others who share the same story.

but anyway.

i have always been old-fashioned and somewhat of a romantic.
i just feel like i should be sought after.
i just feel like i should be treated like a lady,
nevermind the fact that i like video games and board games that require strategy,
(although i am not that good compared to most males)
forget i like to shoot guns at the range,
that i immediately annihilate cockroaches because i despise them,
disregard the fact that i like to wear jeans and a t-shirt,
and occasionally a pair of boys camo shorts,
besides, you can’t climb trees in heels and a skirt…
and be modest and or decent, at least.

i was pretty much raised by my father. these things were instilled in me.
i can’t blame him for raising me the only way he knew how.
i have learned to be independent and strong-willed.

i only learned about being feminine from observation;
not participation.
i just watched my mom
and never really realized until the past 2 years
what a great example she is.
she is the perfect balance of femininity.
i realized this when i read the bible and studied the role of a woman of God.
i decided it would be a good thing to learn while i wasn’t going to date.
i gave up dating for 2 years sometime ago to seek God’s face.
(not that i didn’t have a few interests… oops…
but those ended up to be not at all serious)

so… for quite sometime i have wondered why can’t i find him.
you know… the man i will marry.
loneliness tends to come back around every now and again.
i have found this is true for my friends as well.
why are so many of us single still?
why is it so hard to find someone?

i guess the reality of it all is simply
that i am not ready.
i still have some things to learn.

i don’t know what God has planned.
but i will continue to seek His face.
i will continue to follow His will for me.
my husband is still asleep
because i am still being made into who God wants me to be.
and only when i am ready will i be brought to him.
and he will be awakened.
and i will be named by him.

but ultimately i am named by Him.