i am awake. i am alive.

By: thelovelylo

Apr 20 2006

Category: Uncategorized

1 Comment

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of you selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

have you ever been heartbroken?
have you ever suffered from depression?
have you ever felt a part of your heart die?

as many of you know, i once loved someone with all that i had.
for almost 3 years i took the roller coaster ride that would never seem to stop.
i didn’t know how to get off of it…
the brakes were out of reach…
and i got thrown off violently at the highest peak.

my heart had crashed and shattered.
my heart suffered and ceased to feel anything.

i decided to take a break from love in order to protect myself.
i had to pick up the remnants of porcelain.
i crawled up under a cozy rock
and started trying to glue the whole thing back together.

there were whole chunks missing.
and i ran out of glue.

i thought that my heart had died from what was done to me.
but actually, now that i think about it,
the parts that were missing
were just cavaties that needed to be filled in.
but i had allowed them to happen.
i realized by trying to fix it all myself
i was actually doing more damage.

God made it possible for my heart to be broken
because i was giving the love that was meant for Him first and foremost,
the love that i had promised to Him,
to someone that didn’t deserve it.
i was expecting the love i was giving in return.
and in fact that is not charity at all.
and all along God was still expecting me to love Him unconditionally.
and God was still expecting the one i loved to do the same.

we both couldn’t love the way we were created to love
because we both didn’t have a clue.
we both hadn’t learned how to love our Creator
because we both failed to follow His example.

but thank God for mercy.
thank God for grace.
thank God for suffering.
and thank God for charity.

that apartment was perfect.
within a complex with just 60 apartments.
w/d unit.
perfect amount of space with lots of closets.
2 minutes from the future work office.
5 minutes from Interstate 75.
and there is one opening after may.

hmm… i dunno.
i guess we will just have to see.

i was hanging out with aaron.
he makes me laugh.
maybe too much.

“aaron… you have got to be the strangest, most peculiar, weirdest BFF ever.”

but that really translates as awesome genius.

we are now taking applications for a camera crew and a band.
we are going to make a documentary of the everday life of aaron.
this will involve the camera crew recording footage and the band playing theme music
and following him for every moment of his life for the next year… at least…

this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we’re gonna make millions!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahhhahahahahahhahaha!