i am awake. i am alive.

coming home is so bittersweet.

change.
things change.

this christmas has definitely been the most unusual one i have ever had.
i don’t even want to participate in festivities.
i don’t even want any presents.
i have no money to buy anyone anything either.

i just want to spend time with the people i love.
and vice versa.

but everything is different.
life here has moved on at the regular pace.
just…

…without me.

and there is nothing wrong with that.
but i just feel like i am in limbo.
like i am in a twilight zone.
like… like i am in a dream.

it’s surreal.

but such is life.
these things are inevitable.
and it’s all ok.

i love my family and friends.
always have.
always will.

*sigh*

God is good.

i don’t know half the stuff that has happened since i left.
but people do change.
people grow up.
so… the way i see it is this is all part of growing up.
as cliche and parental as that sounds.

i miss everyone.
i remember the last 3 months i was in pee-cola and how i got to meet everyone:

shauncey
luke
whit
kelly
kemo
ramon
grant
leslie
jesi
nick

did i forget anyone???

i guess it’s like what i was talking about with a friend the other nite. you take snapshots of people. i think we tend to not update our albums very well sometimes. like… as soon as you get a certain snapshot, usually a bad picture, you tend to hold someone to that or you can’t move on to update with a better picture. or maybe people start to become the snapshots that others take of them without even realizing it. and sometimes… we want to replace the pictures sooner than we can… it takes time to show growth. it’s like your school portraits. you have to wait for a year or two to notice the changes.

i know sometimes i just tend to dwell on certain moments and almost don’t want to move on. like now… i remember back in march right before i left… and i like that snapshot.

i just wish it was reality.

anyway… i love you all. and always will.

…home.