i am awake. i am alive.

By: thelovelylo

Oct 02 2005

Category: Uncategorized

4 Comments

i apologize for my silly little fussy posts.
i am acting like a child.
i know better.

i’m in a great deal of unnecessary stress over this whole situation.
and i can’t put the blame on the other party involved.
i mean… it’s free will we are given and one can voice their thoughts and feelings right?
so who am i to say,
“no… i don’t want to know what you’re thinking…
or what you think of me…
or whatever has to do with anything related to either…”
???
ok.
so, maybe i wish that he wouldn’t have brought up the whole thing like a month and a half ago.
maybe then i could just be assuming that the only thing this would ever lead to is friendship.
would that really put me at ease? hard to say.
would i be less nervous in his presence? hard to say.
i wish i could just forget what was said and think and act like i did about two months ago when this wasn’t an issue at all.
is that maybe harsh?
to wish that i hadn’t met someone just so i wouldn’t go through the extra anxiety?
to wish you that i would have no interest in someone in the way of a serious relationship.
is it harsh?
i mean… don’t get me wrong.
i am so very grateful that God put him in my life.
he has done more good in my life than he probably could even imagine.
even if i told him so.
he’s been good for me.

what am i supposed to be learning?
patience?
obedience?
discipline?

hmm… i’m going about this all wrong.
i should give up.
but how?

i’m wrestling my spirit and flesh.
i’m wrestling God.
i’m dirty and all scuffed up with a busted lip.
and torn.

and yet again i feel a bit ridiculous.

Oh Lord… help me.