i am awake. i am alive.

By: thelovelylo

Sep 29 2005

Category: Uncategorized

2 Comments

1. i love my family and friends. i hold them up so high in my heart. this makes me scared of letting them down. i get anxiety not knowing if i will make them proud or not… but i don’t want to find out what the latter feels like.

2. i really miss having a dog. but i fear no other can really replace the way i felt about dirty. he was amazing. such a personality. and handsome.

3. sometimes i contemplate whether i should continue going to school for photography… or pick up my bags and sell my belongings and leave to do what i’ve been called to (which is between me and God for now)… or pursue music like i have always wanted… or…

4. when i was in kindergarten i was racing for the best swing at recess and a girl tripped me to get to it. i fell on the bar and was pissed. when i asked her, “what’d you do that for?” i looked up and saw her horrific expression. “what?!” i demanded. she pointed at my face and said,” you’re bleeding…” i wiped my chin and looked at my right hand to find it drenced in blood. that’s how i got my first stitches. i insisted on a big band-aid because i was sure that would do the trick. no one listened to me and the experience was so annoying.

5. i pick my nose. a lot.

6. sometimes i look at my face and think i don’t look like myself. i imagine that i have no identity. no name. no social security number. no past.

7. my dad sent my mom a plane ticket to visit him in the united states. after 3 months of staying in his house she freaked out on him about how much she missed her family. he insisted she go home. she asked how long it took to get a marriage license. and that is the beginning of how i was made.

8. i found out earlier this year.

9. i wonder when i will marry. all my siblings were over the age of 35 and my father married my mother when he was 40 something. this makes me uneasy. i hope i don’t follow in those footsteps.

10. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i didn’t believe in God. i imagine i might be in a very sorry state if not dead.

11. i am spoiled. not spoiled rotten, but i wish i hadn’t been spoiled at all.

12. i still talk to my ex-fiancee. but i don’t think he believes i forgave him for what he did. he is still in love with me. and i am still not ok with that. i know we can’t really be true friends again because he broke my trust. but i am and will always be there for him. i pray for him constantly. and i pray that God would make it all ok. and i pray that i will see him in heaven where all this won’t matter.

13. i can’t take any compliments about the way i look. i say thanks… but i can’t take any credit for it. i’m just another person. remember what i said in #6?

14. i want to learn all that i possibly can. i’ve thought about going to school until the day i die. to never get a career and just learn. i wish that were possible. but i don’t know how i would be able to provide for myself.

15. i think about sex a lot. maybe way too much. and i have been this way since i was 7 years old.

16. i used to be really outgoing. now i am not so much. i just don’t feel like being around big groups as often as i used to. i like having quality time with one person or a very small group setting… no more than 4. that is even too much sometimes. i don’t know when this all started. i think it just gradually happened.

17. i sometimes wish some freak accident would happen to me and take my life in a blink of an eye.

18. i know of one person i led to the Lord… and that gives me overwhelming joy.

19. i sucked my thumb until i was 13 years old. i did it to piss my mom off for taking my sippy cup away when i was about 2 years old.

20. i love my father very much. he has taught me so much. he is the closest to what i believe a person should be like as far as possessing the qualities of God… but he is not a follower of Christ. i pray for him even though i know that he will know God before he dies. i just don’t think i could handle losing him.